“I don’t wanna talk about it right now, just hold me while I cry my eyes out, I’m not Joan of Arc, not yet, but I’m in the dark…” Madonna
Before I share our latest adventure, I’d like to give our friends a brief description of how I met my Spiritual Bahana. Angelina and I met through a mutual friend. After he left for China to teach abroad, we kept in touch as much as we could through Facebook and other types of social media. It wasn’t until her Great Spin Out that we connected from deeper, more spiritual level. As we have been building our blog together, the need to be vulnerable with one another has become more and more important. It hasn’t been easy. Not because of trust, but I believe it’s due to the newness of experiencing vulnerability. There’s a certain vocabulary that’s necessary in order to open up and remain in that space.
As a recovering stereotypical gay man, in the past, I’ve hidden my vulnerability through bitchy behavior and judgmental comments; using the sacred space of vulnerability as a way to jab or gossip about others. I simply wasn’t aware of the art and the trust that’s required to go along with it.
In the last two field trips, I’ve had to tell Angelina I’m not there yet when the opportunity arose. On our field trip to The Spiritual Center, part of the service required us to look at one another in the eye and repeat words of affirmation – I found this to be a bit difficult. At our most recent field trip with Sharon the spiritual counselor and healer, I was asked some questions in front of Angelina which were a bit on the personal side. Although I’m not one to shy away from digging deep, I guess I hadn’t controlled the situation before hand which made it uncomfortable.
I’ve had to do a lot of shadow work with my issues of co-dependency and learn how establish my own personal boundaries. Some of the hesitation also comes from not wanting Angelina to feel the obligation of confessing anything she’s not comfortable with. I’ve learned that vulnerability is a gift and needs to be respected with a trusted person. In the past I’ve given it away too freely and have been guilty of breaking the trust as well. The sting of both has made me feel like Madonna:
Love and sisterhood,
When Ed asked me if I wanted to get my chakras balanced, I was allllll about it. We went to see Sharon, an energy worker who uses essential oils, sound therapy, reiki, etc. to re-align chakras.
I have done some shallow studying of the chakras, but I know I want more education. In the research I have done so far, I have identified that I need to work on opening my throat and heart chakras.
My past patterns have been to hold things in and try to take care of things on my own. Sometimes this has worked, but more recently I am finding it’s not adaptive anymore. I end up stressed out, with migraines, neck and back pain, loss of sleep and mounting frustration.
I am finding I need to ask for help, when necessary. I need to speak up about things and although confrontation can be uncomfortable, I need to assert myself in situations when I feel my boundaries pushed.
This has been tough. I am working on it. I have found that the more I speak up about my issues, the more people are likely to share with me. This has led to me forming more deeper connections with others. I am getting to the point in my life where I am tired of faking that things are OK, and giving an automatic, disingenuous “GREAT!” response when someone asks me how I am. If I am not, I will say I am not.
I am over surface friendships. I want to form more meaningful relationships with others and that can only be done if I am truthful and open.
I feel like my Spiritual Bahana Ed and I are at that place. I have opened up to him more and more and find myself immediately telling him all the good, bad and ugly about my day. We are finding out more and more things about each other’s journey and have been calling necessary meet ups more and more to get DEEP.
As we talked with Sharon, I felt comfortable with sharing all the DEEP answers to the questions she was asking. I feel that I am finally getting there. I am finally ready to begin opening my heart and throat to speak up about what is in my heart. I told her about some of the past traumas I have experienced; about some of the turbulence in my family as a child, about my dad’s murder and the trial that is still up in the air, about my failed marriage and about how hard I am on myself. She drew this super fun picture and explained how some of those traumas can create negative energy that stick to the chakras and block them.
Sharon did some balancing test on me and identified that my heart chakra needed work. I was not surprised to hear this. Based on some of my past traumas, I had blocked this part of myself off. Partly for protection and partly because it was my negative way of dealing with tough situations, it was just easier to pretend not to care. However, I have been working on releasing these traumas and opening myself up more and more.
Sharon used sound bowls, chanting, essential oils and light touch to balance out my heart chakra. When it was over, I felt a profound sense of calm.
I want to continue to keep working on these chakras and open myself up to others and new situations. I want to speak up more about my feelings and ask for help. I want to be OK with not being OK all the time and find/keep the people in my life who will support me through those moments.
In love and open-heartedness,