February 28th marks the one year anniversary of when my car spun out in the Cajon Pass and kicked off a spiritual awakening. Ed & I have named the event The Great Spin Out, because our flare for the dramatic dictates that we make a huuuuuge deal out of every event.
As I talked about in Part 1 of this series, on this morning I was in a spiritual place of beginning to be open to knowing there was more out there. I was still unsure of what that was or what it looked like, but I had finally come to the place of acknowledging that I did have faith in something.
On this particular morning, I left to work early because I knew the weather would cause me to drive much slower than normal. It was uncharacteristically pouring. Hard. This is abnormal for Southern California and our drivers are not known for their ability to navigate this type of weather.
The rain was pounding outside, but I drove slow and tried to stay calm. I kept my hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel and tried to stay present.
The road was getting more slippery and flooded. I still felt calm and alert and I stayed in the slow lane. I went about my normal morning routine of praying and setting my intention for the day.
For whatever reason, that morning SURRENDER was on my mind. I begin telling God that I was finally ready to surrender to it. I begin talking through my ideas of my SURRENDER, my resistance to it and making the decision that I did in fact have faith and would SURRENDER to my doubt, logic and reasoning.
The minute I said, “I SURRENDER” I hit a huge puddle of water and I lost control of my car. I begin to spin and spun off the road, down a hill and into an embankment, which is what finally stopped my car.
The amount of time I spent spinning must have been short, but it felt a long moment in time. I remember first feeling panicked, then I felt calm. I had this moment where I was sure I was going to die and I felt OK with that.
After I stopped spinning, my dramatics picked up. I panicked for a moment and cried. Then my logic kicked in, I calmed down, called my husband and then called Triple AAA to tow my car home.
Once I finally got home, put on dry clothes (I was soaked from standing out in the rain and trying to get my car out) and turned on The Golden Girls for comfort, I stopped to think about the significance of what happened.
My first thought was, what this a good or bad sign? Did this mean God heard me out or did it mean I was being a complete fool? Did it mean anything other than poor weather conditions? Why was I so at peace with dying? Was God testing my commitment to SURRENDER? Was my faith being put to the test?
Naturally, I started texting Ed to process this all the way through. I also talked extensively through it all with my husband and a few strangers in bars, because that seems like a natural place to explore these topics.
Although I do not have any for sure answers to some of these questions, I do think I have come to a personal understanding of the meaning of this event.
To me, it was about SURRENDER. Surrendering to God and developing faith. Surrendering to death and being at peace with the inevitable. Surrendering to my heart and acknowledging that my logical brain does not know everything.
Once I finally came to that place of surrender, I have been more open to a spiritual journey. This past year has been more about me exploring that faith. Continuing to question, but mostly, beginning to believe. I have been so much more at peace and I feel more open to exploring all facets of spirituality and letting God speak to my heart.
Have you ever had a spiritual turning point?