Sleep is the best meditation. Dalai Lama
As far as I can remember, I’ve often had a reoccurring dream that has haunted me over the last several years. In this dream, I find myself trying to speak either in a large crowd or one on one with another person. When I open my mouth to talk, all that comes out are garbled words. From within my chest, there’s a pulling sensation as well that keeps the words from coming out.
Over the last several months, as I’ve grown deeper in my relationship with the Creator – which has included making peace with myself as a gay spiritual man – I’m finding that in these dreams the words are slowly starting to come out with more clarity. As recent as last week, I had another one. I dreamt that I was in a movie theater, fighting for a seat that was rightfully mine. I guess I had gotten up to get a view the room, in the meantime a female came and sat down. When I saw what she had done, I went up to her and said, that’s my seat, you need to get out. But as I was saying the words, I felt that pull in my chest and the words started to garble. In the past, I would have fought for the words to come out, with no resolution. This time, I repeated what I said, fighting the embarrassment of my sloppy language. As I finished the second request, the girl responded with, get out of here you faggot. Again, I spoke up and said, Get out of my seat and don’t call me faggot. As I said the last part, I woke myself up as I was yelling it in my sleep.
For me, 2014 has been about vocalizing my relationship with the Creator after many years of running and hiding from it due to shame and guilt. I never thought I’d have the courage to one day write or speak about spirituality as I do; or practice it on a daily basis.
Hair In A Bun Friday is always fun to write. It allows me to find a feminine nuance that I connect with and relate it to God in some way. As the new year begins, I’d like to continue challenging myself in all areas of life that I’ve either hid or stifled. Maybe by the end of 2015, my dreams will include me confidently reciting long winded speeches before large crowds without the hint of fear.